I was feeling super emotional a couple of days ago, whereby anything and everything was bringing tears to my eyes, and then I’d laugh at the absurdity of it all. I’m sure from the outside I must have seemed like a mad woman.
I say this often, we’re all human and we all experience emotion, yet we’re often only sharing the pretty happy side of life, but I really think it’s important to share the sad moments too, otherwise we’re all looking at everyone elses picture perfect life and thinking they have it so much better than us. Followed by resistance to sharing the sadness because it’s not socially acceptable, or we don’t want to bring other people down, or simply because we’re embarrassed and ashamed that we don’t have it all figured out.
I call bullshit.
Sometimes the emotions come first, sometimes the thoughts come first. Whichever it is, is irrelevant, the point is we feel it which makes it real in our experience.
For me yesterday I was having some serious resistance to working. I have this wonderful to-do list of all the steps I would like to take to support me in moving towards my dreams; and it simply requires me following them. So simple on the surface, yet lately, I’ve had some serious resistance coming up. Procrastinating and distracting myself, making puzzles, walking around aimlessly, or just sitting infront of my laptop screen internally saying “I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this!”
On one side I recognize I put so much pressure on myself, to achieve so much; to be awesome to succeed. Recently it has been brought to my awareness that I set very high standards of goals to achieve, I want to be the best! I want it to be perfect. While at the same time I’m often throwing myself out there when I’m so far from perfect. I’m impatient. I want it all and I want it now. Anyhow, sometimes these high goals I’ve set myself immobilize me in fear; and the voices come along: “who the hell am I to think I can achieve such things? What qualifies me? I’m not good enough…” I’ve set the bar so high, that moving forward is terrifying!
I also have this fear of making the wrong choice, what if this isn’t what I want? Why am I putting all thise time, effort, and energy into something that I have no idea what it will be like in the end? What if I discover that actually my path is a different one? Because this has happened plenty; I jump into things, and I jump all in, and then change my mind. I was a jewelry maker for a while, a potter, a hippie ;P And then, I change my mind, and we’re back at square one. So now I have this Fear of commitment coming up: what if I make the wrong choice? What if I lose my freedom?
Intellectually I know, I’ve got to try to find out. That I’ve got to fail sometimes in order to succeed eventually. I know that I learn so much from all the activities I partake in, that the skills I learn when trying one thing out are often transferable to other projects I do later on. Still, I’m human, I have my doubts.
There are some days that I’m so sure of myself and what I want to do, I’m motivated, and inspired. While other days I’m terrified of making the wrong choice and so full of self-doubt.
So, what am I even trying to share here?
I’m human. You’re human. We all go through these motions, yet none of it is any reason to hold back. None of us is perfect all the time. We try things, and sometimes we kickass and sometimes we don’t. It really doesn’t matter, so enjoy the fucking journey. My solution was to loosen up a little, to not force myself to do what I was having resistance to doing and instead do something that I really wanted to do, that was fun and exciting me. Also changing my routine up a little bit, was super helpful. And thirdly, changing working environment. Sometime just moving place, changing routine, it shifts any stagnant energy and creates space for fresh ideas and inspiration.
I also wanted to share this story to recognize that none of us is happy all the time. We are all figuring it out as we go along, and the more we put ourselves out there, try new things, carve new pathways, create this new way of living and being.. The more we open ourselves up, the more vulnerable we are, and in this process we open ourselves up to feeling greater peeks of happiness, joy, and fulfilment ; while also opening ourselves up to feeling greater lows. Which is OK. It is ok. So much more than ok. In fact, it’s wonderful. It’s part of life; yet we need to talk about it.
There’s the part of me that rolls her eyes at myself and goes “oh mirin, there she goes again blabbing on about feeling emotions and talking about herself again, what does anybody care?”. While at the same time there’s the part of me that recognizes just how important it is to share all of it with everyone. Not just me, but all of us. By being vulnerable we support each other; simply by sharing our true authentic selves we support others in sharing their truths. We give each other permission to be honest and vulnerable; to be human and not some idealistic unrealistic version of perfect all the time. All our quirks and imperfections are what make us perfect; and this lightens the load for everyone, connecting us more, connecting us deeper.
And really that’s one of the great issues we are currently working through on this planet. In this day of super technological development, where in theory we’re more connected than ever virtually. So many are feeling an element of disconnect: with many superficial connections but a lack in deep meaningful connection. We’re moving away from the mentality of competition and moving towards collaboration.
It is safe to be you. It is safe to be vulnerable. To share. You don’t need to be anyone other than you.
Which brings me back to my mission on this planet, for we all have something unique to share with the world, and it can be a journey in trying to find that. It takes deep intimacy with self to begin with, which requires us feeling safe and letting go of shame (a whole other discussion in itself!)
None of us has it all figured out. No matter how pretty one’s Instagram feed is, how picture perfect it all looks. All of us have our down days, the awkward moments, the times we mess up. And personally, I think it’s just as important to share the quirky f**k up moments as the picture perfect moments.
Life is for living, so live it wholeheartedly