There are days where inspiration comes in explosions, oozing out of my skin from every single pore. There’s a bounce in my step, I’m so excited and so passionate about being alive. I want to jump, dance, sing, scream, shout, paint, write.. I want to let the whole world know how beautiful life is, how miraculous it is to be alive. There is so much I want to share and express I don’t even know how to beging getting out.. but I sit down with paint and paper or pen and paper or whatever mode of expression it is, perhaps even song, and it all comes flooding out. Like a dam has been opened, and finally it can all be expressed.
Then there are days that seem so dark I lose faith the light even exists. Moments of joy and excitement are a distant memory, and I’m not even sure what the point in any of it is. I feel tired, exhausted, energy-less, lifeless… Like I just want to lay in a crumpled pile on the floor and do nothing. Or that I want to cry. Or I feel so much rage that I want to break things and tear them apart. This energy can be creative sometimes and I can find myself writing or painting, expressing what might traditionally be judged as dark and negative.
While other times, in these darker days; I’ll lie for ages and ages, doing nothing.. sometimes it begins to spiral into darker and darker places as the negative self talk berates me for lying and doing nothing, and as I feel worse about myself, I become meaner to myself and feel worse about myself, and it feeds on itself, spiralling on and on and on.
Then there are the other times, in these darkers days, when I can lie in my sadness, and cry and let it all out without spiralling out so much; and even within that spiralling out I can remind myself that I’ve been here before, that I’ve been through this before,and that it has passed many times before, and this time too it shall pass. Sometimes it helps, and others it's futile.
Human Beings we’re emotional creatures, undeniably so, with some of us are more in touch with this, and able to be more fluid within the motions. Sometimes we hold onto whatever emotion we’re feeling, like happiness we never want it to end, yet honestly it’s exhausting feeling ecstatic all the time. Whilst in times of deep sadness sometimes we really don’t want to be feeling that way, we resist it, tell ourself not to feel like this, berate ourselves for going through this, but this is also counterproductive as we’re feeding it and giving it more power.
Then there’s this thing of positive affirmations, which have their value and place; and if youre in a really dark spot and that’s going to get you out of there maybe it’s helpful. Personally I feel that if in times of sadness and pain we start rambling out positive affirmations we’re not truly facing whats going on, we’re not being with ourselves and our experiences, and if we don’t get to know these parts of ourself, how are we going to come to terms with them? How is it ever going to become easier for ourselves? Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right, maybe I’m both and some things work for some while others for others. Let me know you’re experience for sure.
Anyway! Throughout my teens I went through some dark times of deep self hatred and self loathing, which is a story for another time. But in short, as an expression of this I was cutting myself to express this pain, this suffering, in an attempt to escape, to runaway from what was happening. Physical pain is so much easier to cope with than emotional pain; and then of course there’s the high, the release.
We all have our coping mechanisms we use to cope with life.;be it drugs, alcohol, sugar, sex, exercise, whatever. Some of us cope with our coping mechanisms better than others; some of us are fine with them, and others of us beats ourselves up over them.
The reality is: when we resist who we are, when we resist what’s happening, when we wish for things to be different than how they actually are; we’re actually giving more energy and focus to that which we don’t want, and in so doing create more of it. You've experienced it yourself: as soon as someone tells you not to think about butterflies, what are you going to think about? Butterflies of course.
So then perhaps is the solution to focus on what you do want? What you do want to be experiencing, how you want to be feeling. At the same time, you don't want this to be another escape mechanism either. For example, when you’re deep in a moment of sadness, by focusing on happiness you’re in denial of what is actually happening and indirectly are still resisting what is actually happening.
The most effective away for us to allow that which we don't want in our lives to dissipate is to allow for them to be, to feel the sadness, to be with the dislike, to make peace and come to terms with what is actually happening.
On the other hand there are plenty of situations in which we can focus on what we want to be happening. It's a matter of identifying when to apply which way of approach; and the only way to learn this is from personal experience.
But just to give you some insight: in creating your future, in long term goals, yes focus on what you want to create, how you want to feel, what you wish to experience.
Whilst in the short term, when in the turmoils of emotion, when witnessing negative self talk, when berating yourself; if you realize you’re trying to escape your experience, what’s happening, who you’re interacting with, THEN go into the emotion, the experience, allow yourself to fully experience what is happening without running away. Then you may even gain some insight into the core of what is happening, you may gain some understanding and realise the futility in your reaction.. and THEN all on its own it shall dissipate; something that will never happen if you keep resisting and running away from your actual experience.